Win at life, lose at lunch

I took my son to the indoors play centre today.

At the door, he hesitated. His shoulders slouched a little. Childrens’ shrieks came out as he pressed on the door. And he stopped pushing at the door to open it.

He took a step back, and said hopefully,

‘Mr Toys?’

The toy store is always our second stop, and he is the Patron Saint Parker of Routine, so I found this confusing.

‘First we go to play centre, then Mr Toys.’

He stomped his foot and shouted, ‘Mr Toys! You no listening.’

I looked closer at him and I couldn’t figure out his agenda. So I played along. I’d figure it out later.

‘Ok. Mr Toys first.’

We went to the toy store, put his toy in the trunk of the car and doubled back to the play centre. He went inside the door far slower than usual.

He stayed pinned to my side, controlled choosing the table, and ate his chips at a glacial pace with old man sips of his mineral water.

My food was still coming; salads take a bit longer.

He looked up at me. ‘Mummy, we go now?’

‘Soon, mate. I’ll just eat my lunch. It’s coming. Don’t you want to play today?’

He shook his head and kept staring at the TV in the distance.

My salad came and they slid it onto the table.

A child started crying in the toddlers’ section.

I looked at my congealed salad with tired avocado.

Parker took his chance and slid under the table like lightning.

I reached done and stroked his hair, told him it was fine. He shouted, ‘Don’t touch me. Rude!’

He was heightened. Some days he doesn’t regulate his emotions and feelings very well, and today was one.

But I can’t lie. When we’re out and I just want to eat my damn calamari loose leafed lunch, sometimes trying not to get moody at a moody child yelling at me takes all my executive functioning and from another table I’m sure I have a face like thunder.

So I did what I normally do... I ignored him, and let him have a bit of alone time.

As I ate, I listened on my AirPods to an audiobook from Dr Vanessa.

‘If a child’s system stays perpetually aroused, his connection seeking behaviours will be ever present. Typically, the big people in this child’s life will become angry and/or annoyed as a result of the child’s continued connection seeking behaviours. The fallout from the adult reactions then perpetuates the child’s stressed state, and reinforces it.

In essence, a child needs to be alert, so he can see the fallout coming.. and try to get out of the way.’

I thought about all the times I’d tried micro managing Parker’s trips when he was dysregulated.

I’d often change plans and end them early for fear of a meltdown. Which, you guessed it.. often ended in a meltdown.

I remembered how much he hated to be touched when heightened - but he loves being able to initiate physical contact. You just had to make the first move, and wait like mother Theresa.

Fuck it. You don’t win friends with halloumi salad.

I placed my hand under the table, palm up.

‘I’m here if you need me, buddy. And if you’re still sad or angry or you’d like to go home, that’s ok too.’

A FULL THREE MINUTES later, a warm little hand snuck its way into mine. It sat there for what seemed like a very long time.

Then a head popped out.

‘We go home now please.’

And that is the sound of me winning at life, but not at lunch.

Kat Abianac xo